


Let’s Pretend Season Seven Never Happened

by bisexualandready2die



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: ALL OF IT, Gay Puns, Klance is main tho, Lance Stans Scare Me, Ligma, Multi, Rip SHADAM, Season 7 Criticisms, The Altas is Thicc, Trigger Warning- straight Keith, all a joke, little Sheith but its just Gary, many ships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-05
Updated: 2018-09-05
Packaged: 2019-07-07 02:42:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15899265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bisexualandready2die/pseuds/bisexualandready2die
Summary: I improved it.When you watch Voltron, do you think, this needs more awful jokes? Well here you go my friend.I made this very gay cause I could.Humor in its highest form.





	Let’s Pretend Season Seven Never Happened

**Author's Note:**

> I spent way too long on this

Everything blew up and season seven never even happened. Romelle survived though I love Romelle.

.................................................................

“And he picked the dumb one, Lance!” Bob said as Lance slumped over in defeat. But when Bob started to set up the game to humiliate Lance for cheap laughs, a distant rumbling was heard.

A crowd of girls, dressed in blue, stormed into the studio. But no, these were not regular girls. They had rabid, crazed looks in their eyes as they scanned the room. They seemed hungry, hungry for blood. 

“Who is the one who calls himself Bob?” one growled out. Zarkon, who looked scared out of his wits, pointed at the game show host, who whimpered as the eyes of hundreds of bloodthirsty girls turned to lock onto him.

“How dare you,” the girl said, advancing on him, voice dangerously low “call Lance McClain the dumb one. He is more than anyone can ever fathom!” Her voice raises and the other girls circle around Bob. “He is a strategist and a leader and is always there for his team! He is a hero and is good to his very core! And you,” she meets his eyes unflinchingly “call him the dumb one?”

“Oh um uh well” Bob stuttered, terrified and unable to defend himself. 

“Kill.” The girl commanded, and the group closed in on the being. 

It was indescribable bloodshed. Bob had infinite power but he could not escape these girls. They injured him in almost every way possible. Satisfied, they leave their victim on the floor, groaning in pain.

As they walk by the paladins, who shuffle away in fear, the girls blow kisses to Lance and pass him gifts.

“Goodbye Lance! We love you!”

The door slammed behind them leaving five absolutely stunned paladins.

“I think I just peed a little.” said Hunk, voice full of fear.

.................................................................

“That is most bootylicious robot I have ever seen.” said Lance appreciatively, looking up at Atlas. 

“Does this mean Voltron has a flat ass?” Pidge asked. Lance let out a gasp and Hunk had to physically stop his laughter.

“Can we get back to the fight?” Keith yelled angrily. This only increased the laughter.

“Why did- why did your father give Voltron a flat ass, Allura?” Hunk barely manages to get out through his laughter. Allura shrugs.

“Maybe it’s because he had a flat ass.” Lance lets out an affronted noise.

“Excuse me? Alfor was daddy.”

“Why must you speak of my father this way.” At this point every pilot was on the ground except for Keith, who was slowly counting to ten like Shiro taught him.

“There is an actual battle happening right now! Stop making sex jokes about giant robots and dearly departed family members!!” He yells. 

“Fine.” Pidge grumbles, getting back in her chair. Lance slumps down, pouting.

“Straight Keith is so mean.”

.................................................................

No we are definitely not sending fighter pilots out there against the Galra.” Sam Holt commanded. “What kind of fool does that?” Iverson nodded.

“Aren’t you glad your wife knocked out the Commander like two minutes in? That lady was being whack.”

“Boy do I love being alive!” exclaimed Adam from a random part of the room. “Now I can prove that Shiro is actually gay in canon and that it wasn’t a shared fever dream by the fandom!” A Garrison official piped up in the back.

“Well actually if you look at the interactions between Shiro and Kei-“

“No ship wars!” His friend cut him off. “Not in this fic, Gary.”

When the paladins landed, Shiro launches himself into Adam’s arms.

“Oh babe honey sweetie the love of my life let’s get married tomorrow!” Adam quirked his eyebrow at him. 

“You do realize we broke up, right?” 

“Fair point, fair point” Shiro said. “Counterpoint: I got really ripped when I was in space. You can grate cheese on these abs. I can crush a watermelon with my thighs.” Adam thought about this.

“I’ll take it.”

“Wait!” Lance yelled. “Boys can like boys?!? That’s a thing?!?” 

“Oh yeah it’s cool.” Shiro answered. “Why do you ask?”

“Oh no reason.” Lance murmured, his eyes flicking to Keith.

“Klance.” someone coughed into their fist.

“I SWEAR TO GOD GARY.”

.................................................................

“Torturing the tiny one will get it out of them.” Zethrid says as she lifts up Pidge. 

“Wait stop!” Lance yells. “I know where Lotor is!”

Both of Lotor’s former generals stop what they are doing and turn to him.

“Well, where is he? Answer the question!” Zerhrid demands. Lance meets her eyes determinedly.

“He’s at Saw Con.” The murder lesbians turn to each other confused. 

“What is Saw Con?”

“SAWCON DEEZ NUTS!” Lance yells and receives handcuffed high fives from all the other paladins. This is greatest moment of his life.

“Can we kill him first?” Ezor asks pleadingly.

.................................................................

“Hunk, I need to tell you something.” Keith said, looking deep into Hunk’s eyes. “I love y- I mean you impress me the most.”

“What were you going to say before that?” Hunk asked suspiciously.

“Uhh nothing.” Keith responded.

“Because it sounded like I love you.” Hunk continued. Keith stands there sweating, as Hunk looks at him inquiringly. Finally he breaks.

“Yeah it was I love you, okay? You got it out of me!” He yelled. Hunk wrapped him up in a hug. 

“Aw buddy I love you too! You’re one of my very best friends!” Keith’s eyes widen and then he seemed even more nervous.

“Yeah. Very best... friends.”

“Haha gay!” Someone shouted.

“GARY!”

.................................................................

“You paladins are so easily defeated.” Sendak said annoyingly, as he does everything annoyingly. Lance, tired from battle, turns to respond, fire in his eyes. 

“But Voltron has something you do not.”  
He tells the forgettable villain. Sendak smiles mockingly.

“Oh, yes? And what is that, little hero?” Lance surprisingly smirks.

“Ligma.” 

“What is-“

“LIGMA BALLS!” And with that, Sendak was defeated. He could go on no longer. Lance got him good.

.................................................................

“Aw! It’s true love!” Ezor simpered. There was a pause and then all four of them doubled over in laughter.

“Like I would- as if he- hahaha!” Acxa wheezed out. Keith was clutching his sides and Ezor and Zethrid were leaning on each other. 

“Hey guys hey guys,” said Keith, still laughing, “should we get straight to fighting?” At his pun, Ezor actually fell over. 

“Lesbi- honest. These jokes are the best.” Zethrid added, to the hilarity of the others.

“Bi the way-“ Ezor tried to add from the ground but dissolved into laughter. Everyone stayed there, making several gay puns, until none of them could breathe.

“Wait what were we doing before?” Acxa asked.

“Battle to the death.” Ezor answered causally. Keith nodded in agreement.

“Oh yeah. Let us continue.” Zethrid raised her weapon over her head. “YOU WILL DIE TODAY!”

.................................................................

“Hi Lance!” said Kinkade. “Did you do something new with your hair today? It looks nice!” Lance grinned widely and ran his fingers through said hair.

“Yeah I used a new conditioner! It smells like vanilla, wanna sniff?” Kinkade does and hums appreciatively. 

“Actually, you were just the man I was looking for! Do you want to go train?” Lance offers.

“I’d love that.” Kinkade walks with Lance, putting his arm on the paladins shoulders.

“Cool! I don’t know why people call you so quiet! You talk plenty around me.”

Pidge peeks over Keith’s shoulder, who had watched this whole interaction. 

“Keith why did you google “how to get away with murder”? You realize that’s a TV show, right?” Keith chucks his phone across the hall. 

“Maybe I’ll watch it in my room, by myself, for the rest of eternity!” He yells.

“I’ll watch it with you.” Acxa says hopefully.

“No thanks Abby.”

.................................................................

 

The hospital doors open, revealing Shay. She launches herself into Hunk’s arm, both grinning from ear to ear and- 

Oh wait.

That happened.

Hell yeah.

**Author's Note:**

> I thought ligma and sawcon were funny no regerts.


End file.
